It started on Sunday. I had all intentions of going to the gun range to learn how to shoot the gun Nick purchased for our home. I was very eager and ready to learn to protect. As we got there and had to watch a video on safety I started feeling nervous. And more nervous. And then really nervous. Nick paid for us to shoot, bought some ammo, and we put our ear protection in and walked to the shooting area. As soon as I got there, I didn't feel right.
As soon as we got to our table I knew I couldn't do it. As soon as it was time for Nick to set up the table and step behind the yellow line to wait for live fire to begin he began to start explaining stuff to me. Then I cried. I almost lost it but was able to control myself somewhat. I just stood there crying. And I have no idea why. Not a clue. I couldn't even explain to Nick why I was crying when he was asking me what was wrong. No clue. And I was totally thrown off the entire rest of the day. Just out of it, not being able to pay attention.
Then yesterday was my 30 week appointment. All is wonderful. Baby is great. My belly is measuring at 30 cm which is right on track. Her heartbeat is still in the 140's. But, I have put on 45 fricking pounds already. The doctor didn't say I had gained too much but he did mention I gained 45 pounds. He said I need to be sure to get 30 minutes of exercise a day.
I just cant believe this is me. I know this may be hard for some of you to read and please if it is, don't criticize me and try to make me realize what a miracle baby I have and that I should be grateful Because I am. This is a total miracle baby that I couldn't even have dreamed into life, into reality. I am happy and thankful beyond words, but unless you are here in my shoes you have no clue how I feel.
I worked so hard to long to get in top shape, to run 2-3 miles per day, to eat as healthy as possible, to track everything I eat and every step I take on the treadmill, to doing daily ab workouts and arm workouts, to getting a nice flat belly, to seeing 114-117 on the scale. I worked so hard to be tiny and slim but toned and strong at the same time.
Now I'm this big 165 pound (supposedly, according to the doc scale which I refuse to look at because it hurts too much) lady. Yes, I'm aware I'm pregnant and I'm aware that it's ok....but, It Is Not Me. It's not me.
I feel so awful about myself. I feel like all the 2 years of hard work just went down the drain. And I know it didn't just go down the drain because I credit my great physical shape with being able to spontaneously get pregnant. But, its just not me.
I cannot wait for this pregnancy be over. I cannot wait to have the energy I once had and to start getting back to being and feeling myself.
One good this from all this is I do look forward to taking weekly photos after birth and watching my body change back into it's normal self. That will be fun and interesting to watch.
And the doctor I saw yesterday was just a dummy honestly. He wasn't a regular doctor in the Women's Clinic. He was used in the Women's Clinic from Family Practice to fill in and I could tell he really didn't know much or know what to discuss or say. Honestly, he didn't do anything for me except say I didn't need to finger prick test anymore and that my sugar levels were all normal...which I already knew. Then he went on to say I was doing so well that if I didn't want to come back until 36 weeks that would be fine. I was shocked! Is it really safe for a women to go from 30 weeks to 36 weeks without any check ups?! Just doesn't sound right. I told him that was scary and Id rather not. I would like to just stick to the regular appointment schedule. I never heard any of the wonderful midwives tell me that no matter how well I was doing. He couldn't be serious could he?! That just does not sound safe. Moron. 6 weeks is A LOT of time for anything to happen or go wrong in a pregnancy.
So what came out of yesterday was I will start daily 20-30 minutes walking on the treadmill, and making much healthier choices in what I eat. I been slacking on dinners in this house just because I don't feel like cooking. And that, is unacceptable. Oh, and back to my green smoothies...which I also credit for this pregnancy.
After my appointment yesterday, I came home, changed into walking clothes and took a picture of myself. Because it's really hard for me to see that I really weigh 165 pounds. WHERE?? I'm aware it looks like I'm also a tad pregnant in the booty which I am not used to but 165 pounds?!
And on top of this I have another slight concern.
A couple weeks ago I really thought she was head down. I was feeling kicking up real high about 2 inches from my ribs and I felt a ton of pressure really low that made me feel like I was going to pee my pants even after I went pee. But now, she's back to transverse I believe, because again I'm feeling all the movements to my far right where her head and hands have been and the far left occasionally where her legs and feet would be when she stretches out. So I think we are back to square one but I am only 30 weeks so she still has time. My next appt at 32 weeks I will for sure be asking about her position. I thought that babies start moving head down around 28 or 30 weeks. And this child better not be stubborn. I'm very set in my mind to having an easy vaginal delivery...as if I'm in control of that, right.
Hormonal much? Why yes I am.
6 comments:
Hugs Michelle!
I know I've never dealt with the pregnancy or the weight issues so I don't know what you're going through but wanted to send my hugs to you!
I'm sure I was maybe one you thought you'd offend or something but definitely not. :)
I always thought because I waited and wanted Hannah for so long I shouldn't complain as others would love to be in my shoes. The truth is, I have every right to piss and moan just like anyone else. :) Yes I believe I cherish her more than someone who hadn't struggled as much....but the truth is, it's HARD!
I'm exhausted, never have "me" time, never get a shower, never sleep, fight with Mark ALOT more than I used to. Some days it just plain sucks! No matter how much I love my girl, it's hard. I wouldn't trade her for anything obviously but it's hard and some days I just plan to "get through in one piece" and I have every right to complain about it.
Of course I feel guilty complaining about it. :) And I try so hard not to on my blog or Facebook in case I offend someone. I guess that's where my therapy is very handy these days. :)
Love ya girl. I know I don't completely understand as I'm not in your shoes....but I have a glimmer of understanding and know I'm ALWAYS there for you!!!
I should mention, I definitely have WONDERFUL days and those hugs and kisses from Hannah make it more than worth it. :) I think I made it sound like every day sucks but it obviously doesn't. :)
Hello! I was on the NWA when you and Tammy were. I got pg finally and usually I am fit and tone, 5'9 and 130 and run every day and weights. When i got pregnant (at 42 I might add) I packed on SIXTY pounds and the closer I got to 200, the more scared I became. I was so happy to be pregnant but my Lord, 60 pounds was a shocker! Plus people kept telling me that I had "cute chubby cheeks" AGHHHH! I did not want to hear that. But good news is that since you were in shape it will be so much easier to get back. It took me a whole year to feel "normal" and be able to wear all my stuff but that year was so busy with breast feeding and walks with baby and all the great momma stuff you feel after giving birth (not to mention the whole birth experience, which is totally the best thing ever) Some people won't understand but it is a shock to gain weight even when we know it is for baby. I look forward to seeing your cutie pie!
Justine - Seattle WA
Awe! It will be over before you know it and it will be so worth it. You really do look great but I know it doesn't matter what other say. You know after the baby is born you will have the motivation to get back on track. For now, just try to relax and realize that you are beautiful. Gaining pregnancy weight is not the same as gaining 'weight'. Hang in there. 10 weeks or less!! xo
Just try to keep in mind that this is temporary. You will be giving birth soon and can start back getting in shape.
P.S.I'd love to hear more about those green shakes!I could use a miracle.
Hi Michelle!
I was also on the boards at NWA when you and Tammy were, and my husband also has very similar problem that Nick to when it came to us having a baby! I am happy to say we welcomed our first Daughter in April of 2011! Do not feel bad for a second for worrying about it! I was exactly the same way! I was 5'5 and 110 before i got pregnant, i only gained 23 pounds because i was so sick all the time but i still worried about it alot! I had also had alot of weight issues myself and had also previously battled an eating disorder in my teens! I worked very very hard to be thin and in good shape for a long time after battleing anorexia... I knew that there was absolutely nothig wrong with my weight gain but i still could not stop worrying! I even had a crazy doctor tell me at my 16 week checkup that i needed to slow down my weight gain.... I had only gained 5 pounds!!!! Needless to say i switched doctors! BUT.... I promise you if you were in good shape before... The baby weight is going to come off so much eaiser!!! I also breastfed and that helped alot.... After 3 months it was all gone and i was down to 105!!!! 5 pounds less than before the pregnancy!!!! And i didnt really have to do much of anything to lose it either... My doctor said it was because i was in such good shape before! Now i will feel much better next time around! (((( hugs))))) and congrats to you both your miracle baby! :)
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