I wrote a blog post when I was 6 weeks, 4 days along. This was 3 days before our very first ultrasound with our midwife on base at the clinic. Also during week 6 I was VERY emotional and bloated so my thoughts were all over the place.
Today marks 8 weeks, 2 days and yet I still have moments of being terrified, I am now a little more confident that this pregnancy will result in a live baby at the end. I do have days that I swear its not working although there are never any signs that it isn't. I'm just still scared.
I am typing this out to save and have documented. I want everyone know that as we celebrate such imense joy, this doesn't mean that all that fills our lives is joy.
I am scared beyond belief. 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I am. By this stage of pregnancy the first time around back in 2007 I had already started the brown spotting. I don't remember which day exactly since I didn't keep track but I know for sure by now I did. Although I don't have that, or any sign at all of miscarriage in the near future...I cant help but think its going to happen. I am so mentally prepared ( I think ) that this wont work out.
In 3 more days, at 7 weeks even, we have a heartbeat check. TERRIFIED. I am terrified. All I can imagine is the first and 2nd times we were pregnant and went in for ultrasounds. Nothing on the screen. Nothing. Empty gestational sac. I remember all to well (which before all this I thought I had forgotten) the feeling of my heart sinking as low as it could do in disbelief. All I can imagine is seeing nothing on that screen once again.
I am terrified. It will be the moment of truth. Our lives will change either way it goes.
But I think I am mentally prepared for the worst. Everyone except myself is so confident that it is going to work this time. Why cant I have that confidence? It didnt work the other 2 times when we were so sure it would...so why this time? People tell me because this time it is the work of God. It is natural. It is perfect timing. It was meant to happen. Not the work of doctors and frozen sperm and medicated eggs...but natural and not forced to join together to create a life...but the work of God. Of course we all thought the first 2 times would work out and they didnt.
I dont know what to believe. I dont know how to feel. I am so numb. I just float through the days waiting for something to go wrong. But so far, nothing is going wrong. Its like I am stuck or frozen in time moving so slow.
I am pregnant. I am not bleeding. I should be happy and excited and I am not. I am too scared and terrified that the worst is going to happen....I cant bring myself to accept that this could actually work out without any heartache involved.
(see, 6 weeks and very bloated and emotional!)
4 comments:
I've read so many similar blog posts. It's strange how all those thoughts and emotions we feel when dealing with infertility come back and blind side us even when we're so sure we've moved past it all.if all the people who are hoping for you that everything goes well count for anything you'll be just fine although I've seen many who can't totally let go of their fear until they hold that baby in their arms. Sending much hope and many good wishes to all of you.
Congrats Michelle - I will keep you in my prayers. I lost a baby between Michael and Lola and was a wreck when I got pregnant with Lola. I was afraid the entire pregnancy. First that I would miscarry and then that she would be a preemie like her brother. It all worked out of course. I wish I had advice to make you less anxious. Just try to enjoy these moments!! Wishing you all the best. - Martha (redsoxfan from northwest andrology forum)
Accept it! Then believe it!
m.
Infertility sucks. I've learned that even when you get a baby, infertility doesn't go away, the fear, the anger, the frustration, etc. It gets easier but it never completely goes away. I'm still terrified of losing Hannah because I've lost so many babies so why would I be able to keep her? And I feel like infertility robbed me of my greatest dream, to carry my precious Hannah in my body.
I wish I could do something to help. Know I'm always here for you. I'm sure you'll be so scared right up until the day you're holding your baby and even then those fears will probably never go away completely.
Dang infertility! :)
Love you!!
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